Dad
A tribute to my father
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I have been thinking about writing this for weeks. But, believe it or not, sometimes words fail me. How do you describe someone who has been in your life for almost sixty years? It is not simple, and my relationship with my dad was deep, complex, and terrifically important and formative in my life. Because of that, I will start at the beginning.
I was my dad’s first little one. In every photo of me and my dad and mom during that time shows how much he adored me and being a father. This didn’t change when my little sister was born, his love for his family was a constant in our lives. The same was true for my mother. We were lucky that way, having two, loving parents who were always there for us, no matter what.
When my father interviewed for jobs, he was always clear with employers that his family came first. In spite of being in upper management, he always assured he was home every weekend. Even when he was travelling around the world on business, we could count on him coming home and being with us on Saturday and Sunday every week. He was a constant in our lives, and we could always count on him to be there with and for us.
Many of my earliest memories of spending quality time with our family are at the dinner table. I remember so clearly talking about current events, school, everything with my mom and dad at that table. Most importantly, I felt respected during those conversations from the youngest age. I remember actually discussing things with my dad and mom at that table, and that continued through my whole life, every time we met over dinner. As a child, I always felt respected and cared for by my dad. I felt like he could and would be honest with me about anything, and I could tell him anything.
Given that I was being raised during a time when women could be denied a credit card based on their gender (until 1974) and couldn’t get business loans without a co-signer (until 1988), my dad’s treatment of me, my sister, and my mother was groundbreaking. The fact that he treated all of us as his intellectual equals, while still parenting us with very clear rules and expectations, backing my mom’s plays 100%, set me and my sister up to be unusually strong women. Neither of us ever doubted our ability to stand alongside men as their equals because we had been treated that way by an exceptional man our whole lives.
At the same time, my dad was incredibly fun to be around. He was a real goofball at times. I believe I’ve told the story before about when we were driving from California to Oregon in 1979, and he stopped alongside the road, right by a “no trespassing” sign. He proceeded to grab our BB gun, me, and my sister, and we hopped the fence to go shoot targets in the farmer’s field (to my mom’s chagrin). Once, as a teenager, I was hiking with him and a boyfriend. Breaking an awkward silence, my dad suddenly started acting like a monkey, jumping around, being silly, tickling me and making me laugh.
Though he was always fiscally prudent both in business and at home, telling me and my sister we should never have any debt and following that adage himself, before he and my mom ever bought a house, they purchased a boat.
That always made an impact on me. My parents were conservative and careful with their money, never in debt. However, at different times, my dad drove a Karmann Ghia, a Fiat, and an MG to work, and we went sailing almost every weekend. In fact, I grew up in a house my mom and dad rented right near Sacramento Bay before they bought their first house when I was five. My dad created an amazing space in the back yard with an above-ground pool, and a great playroom with a jungle gym and playhouse for me and my sister. In fact, I still have the playhouse, which is big enough for me to walk into as an adult, that I helped my dad build when I was five years old.
My dad was all about investing in things we would enjoy for years. Then, after that initial investment, all the play was free. We didn’t spend a lot of money on day-to-day activities. I learned from him and my mom that having fun didn’t have to cost money. You can go outside and play for free. And if you save, you can have the things you want. My dad saved money for important things and made the most of our time together.
When we moved to Oregon, we hiked, cross-country skied, learned to sail one-man sailboats, and water skied. My dad taught us all of that. Again, there was an initial investment he made on skis or a boat, but after that, it was mostly free (other than gas). He was always smart, but we always had so much fun!
Because my mom and dad always talked to us about everything and encouraged us to think and be confident, I was a comfortably confident child from the beginning. This is a credit to both my parents and something which has carried on to their grandchildren and great grandchildren. I was (and my children were) a consistent frustration to many a teacher, thinking our ideas mattered as much as theirs. My dad and mom would tell the stories of my talking back to my teachers with a touch of pride, however. I never got in trouble for making a good point with a teacher and assured that my own children never did either.
I often practiced my outspokenness and that great sense of humor handed down to me by my parents by buying my dad silly gifts. For example, one year, I bought him a pipe for Christmas. This was particularly silly for a number of reasons. One, he doesn’t smoke. Two, I was only about sixteen, making the purchase quite edgy. He opened the present and laughed and laughed. In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s still in his dresser somewhere. He loved me and those silly moments we shared together.
I never played competitive sports, so everything I learned about sports I learned from my dad. In fact, I used to joke I was my dad’s oldest son. I loved that my dad shared with me everything he loved, during a generation where many fathers ignored their daughters. He taught me how to shoot free throws and execute a proper layup. We played hours of basketball in the yard. He taught me how to throw and catch a football. He bought me a mitt, and we threw a softball back and forth for hours. I love those memories. And with my mom, sister, and dad all playing varsity sports in high school and college, I definitely had a great team of players to be with at home.
He also taught me to cross country ski, golf, run, waterski, body surf, sail, skateboard, and sailboard. (My mom, a masters swimmer, was in charge of the swimming.) I have always loved water sports thanks to my dad. I not only went on to be on a professional waterskiing team thanks to his introduction, I’ve been told I’m impressive on a sailboard as well. His legacy lives on for sure in that I continue to be active every day to a level that causes my doctors to call me an “athlete,” which amuses me every time they say it. It is significant that my father respected me, my mom, and my sister so much that he did all these things with us and took great joy in sharing them with us. He was never condescending as a teacher, he just shared with us his love of life, and that stuck.
My dad loved being with his family his entire life. His great sense of humor and playfulness extended to me and my sister, then our children, and his great grandchildren.
I loved being on the beach with my dad, and, even more so, I loved watching him with my children. He played with them on the beach, took them sailing, played basketball and tag with them. He was an amazing grandfather. One of my favorite memories is of my dad taking my son’s two little girls down to the beach to explore the tidepools, looking for crabs under the rocks and other treasures. It brought back memories of him doing that with me and my sister and with my children. He has been a blessing to generations.
It has occurred to me many times that the tremendous respect that my dad and mom gave us by including us in adult conversation from childhood was a double-edged sword for them. On one hand, I can attribute every great success in my life to the confidence that gave me. My success in the corporate world is 100% due to that confidence as is my ability to perform and speak up with no hesitation. My confidence to handle and exit tremendously traumatic situations I found myself in came from the same place, and I absolutely view those processes as successes as well.
However, that confidence did mean I felt safe to be really hard on my parents as well. The Catch 22 of parenting is that the best parents love so deeply that it can be taken for granted. I had a psychologist tell me once that when children act out in a home, it is actually a good sign in some ways. It means they feel safe enough to be themselves. If they didn’t feel safe, they would be much more self-protective. I did not feel the need to protect myself around my dad, and as a result, when I disagreed with him, as many teenagers and young adults do with their parents, I could be really unforgiving.
I remember my dad trying to help me during my college years with some religious references. I had solidly rejected religion at that point and found it very frustrating, so I ended the conversation by saying, “You may need to believe in God to be ok, but I don’t.” There were many times from the time I was eighteen to to the time I was thirty-eight that I struggled with connecting to my family because of religion. Even though I lost confidence in my father’s love during those years, that was a problem within me, not within him. He and my mom continued to show up for me over-and-over again.
My dad and mom were at all three of my weddings. They shared Christmas with my children every year. They rescued me when I was in trouble even when I had been painfully outspoken during disagreements with them. They even showed up in family court for me. My dad even testified at the first hearing on my behalf, in spite of the opposing attorney saying horrible things to and about him. My dad was always calm, controlled, and always there for me. I know now that any withholding they did was because they were worried about me, not because they didn’t love me.
My father’s always ethical and always stoic nature had a huge effect on me. I have never yelled at anyone in my life, and it is because of him. I also always made a point of being honest (arguably to a fault) because of him. It is probably because of his example I felt compelled to always tell him the truth even when it was risky. I have always done my best to live a strong, genuine life, and I can say this is because of my dad.
The qualities in myself I value most are gifts from my dad. He taught me how to use and program computers before there were even classes to do so at my high school. He taught me about business and money from the time I was a little girl. He was the one who told me to take at least one accounting class in school. All these foundational things, on top of his unending support, led me to amazing heights in work and my personal life.
My daughter shares the story about how my dad pioneered the digitization of the lumber industry. He was always willing to take risks on new ideas and individuals which showed promise and merit, and this is a skill he has passed on to future generations in both his businesses and his private life. As Chief Executive Officer, he actually wrote computer programs for his company before many companies even used computers regularly.
All my dad’s children and grandchildren learned how to use advanced technology long before their peers because of his influence and guidance. That same daughter talks about being the only person in her high school computer class who was proficient on a computer and in typing, and I gave her those skills because my father did the same for me, giving me my first personal computer before anyone else in my high school had one. Thanks to him and the early start he gave me in computer science, I always was at the top of my field in technology and its implementation, becoming a national leader in the use of technology in the accounting world through my entire career the same way my father did in his industry.
I think it is important to say that I cannot talk about my dad without motioning my mom. They were a team for sixty-five years. My dad’s loyalty to her, partnership with her, respect for her, love and caring for her were part of who he was. And any gift from him was also part of her. That also had a significant impact on how I knew I should be treated and respected as a person and partner. It served me well throughout my life, allowing me to end abusive and unsupportive situations with confidence and stand up for myself with all my partners.
One of the greatest miracles of my life is that my dad was in it. He not only was part of making me, he gave me foundational knowledge in business, accounting, computers sports, love, and life that have made me who I am in profound ways that are beyond describing. He has provided for me, my children, my entire family. I don’t even know how to describe the appreciation I have for someone who has supported me, my education, my children, my family, for my entire life.
He is a part of me, of all of us.
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Good stuff. You've been fortunate.
Just recently lost my Dad. Really enjoyed your tribute to your Dad.